Sep 18, 2009

I hate myself! I'm a bad daughter!

Just hated myself so much when I am getting annoyed. I hate myself for being so hot headed. I hate myself for I know I have a tendency to do worse things when I am mad! Why I am like this?
Why I have to find someone who I can blame for all my own mistake? Why do I easily get angry? How come of all people in this world I have to blame my Mom (who's with me during weekdays) every time I see things that is not good to my sight? Is this because she's the only person that I can see inside the house? Is this because I am paying her labor? Why am I so rude to her? Why do I have to talk to her like this and that? And even I know I already hurt her, I can't even say sorry. I am so bad! I am so rude! I love my mom I know that! I am happy and thankful she's here beside me even for the fact that I am giving her allowance, she's really a big help for me. Without her, I don't know how to do all the stuff inside the house.
Just right now, I made a terrible thing again! My mom called me reporting what my daughter has done to her toy I just gave her yesterday. She said Ishi disassembled them. I didn't mind what she just said, I continued doing my stuff. I am so busy with so many things that time. In realty, in my reloading business coz my brother(he's in my store) keeps on text-ting me about the problem in reloading. That time my head is already getting hot. I am already annoyed because of so many reasons (i don't remember them already). Then my cellphone got lowbat and i have to find my charger. I can't find it everywhere, I asked again my mom if my brother brought it to the store. She said she don't know. Then I got so annoyed again! I went to the terrace, I saw my kids playing with the disassembled toy my mom just told me about awhile ago. her with some piece of wood(part of the toy), I al so mad at her. I am so mad that I can't remember why I so reacted that way! Because I don't want to hurt my kids I told them shouting to go inside the room. Since I am so mad....I didn't stop talking! I am so mad while assembling the toy! I said "sisrain ko to! sisirain ko to!", "wala akayung ka concern concern! kanina po to sinabing kinalas hanggang ngayun hawak nyo pa din!!!". I just keep on talking and talking and I dunno already why am I so mad! I am referring to my kids but I am also mad with my mom because she told me about the toy for about 20 minutes ago but she still didn't get the toy instead she has to report it pa! I am so mad because she can't handle my kids! I also said to my kids this lines "Matigas ba ang ulo nyo? hindi ba kayu marunong makinig sa lola nyo?? gusto nyo humanap ako ng mag aalaga sa inyu na katatakutan nyo?!?". My daughter keeps on crying because she can see how really mad I am that time. I don't wanna hit her that's why I keep on talking just to release my tension and the madness inside my heart. And the suddenly my mom shouted already saying "hindi ko naman sila pinapabayaan ah, inaalagaan ko naman sila ah" then I reply still shouting, 'hindi naman yun ang sinasabi ko, ang sinasabi ko hindi nyo ba sila kayang alagaan? kailangan ba sumbong nyo lang lagi? Hindi nyo ba sila kayang pasunurin?" then I go back to our room. She continue talking and complaining "bakit hindi lang naman sila ang inaasikaso ko ah! Hindi lang naman pag aalaga ang ginagawa ko ah! Gusto mo humanap ka ng ibang mag aalaga, grabe kang makapagsalita, grabe ang mga salita mo". The we both stopped talking. I felt so disappointed after that scene. I dunno but I really cried so hard. I don't remember saying any rude words to her. I'm actually talking to my kids. I don't remember any single word have said. But the truth is I really got mad to my mom. I really got annoyed because she has to call me pa with somethings kayang kaya naman nya i-handle. I hate that when that happens! I want her to control my kids, I want my kids to obey their lola but the lola keeps on calling me when I am there. Sometimes I was thinking she loves to wash clothes than to take care of my kids. I can see her concerns and love for my kids but sometimes I have that feeling. Maybe because she's already tired sometimes. I can't blame her for she has to wash our clothes, prepare out breakfast (breakfast only), clean the house (oh she's not into cleaning that's why most often I am doing that), bring Ethan to school from 11 am to 12:30pm, bring kids to bed for their nap (she can't also do this because the kids aren't listening to her so sometimes I have to do that even I have to do something else). After that I don't know what she's doing then. I know everything is hard. I know everything is tiring but she's not the only one who's busy here. I am pressured with so many things. I am thinking of so many things for my family and for them. I am also tired. I am also busy. I don't know. I am so confused. I don't know what wrong have I done. I can't remember them. All I know is that I am so bad! I am so bad! I am so bad!

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