Becoming Rebellious Wife

I am so mad about my husband going back to his vices. It is not bad to go out sometimes I know that. It's just that he didn't ask permission first before he go. The worst thing is that I was able to know that he was going somewhere from his friend. I think the friend was just concern and he doesn't want me to get mad at him by bringing my hubby with his gimmick. That is one totally relief for my side. What I am so mad about is that he really didn't ask permission from me yet, he lied and then he came home 4:30 in the morning without texting me. The only thing I am requesting from him is to respect me. I am his wife, I should know where he is going. I am also worrying about him especially when he's not yet home and no idea where he is. I just wanted him to give me some importance. Even if I don't want to, I am still allowing him to go. Even if I feel it was so unfair for me, I still letting him go because I wanted him to enjoy even for the fact he's already married and he's not suppose to stay so late outside our home. We have kids waiting for us. How come boys can easily do such things while girls, like for example me as a mother, how come I can't leave my kids for gimmick?! I should try it sometime. I wanna go out too like what my husband is doing. I should enjoy too right? I am no longer drinking but this time, i will drink again, and smoke again and stay with friends all night long., I don't care anymore! If he wants this way then I'll give what he wants. I'll let him do his way then I'll do mine! What's happening to me, am I getting so rebellious now? Am I mad to the world again? Gosh, I am getting so bad again! I can't stop myself not to get mad! I can't stop myself to become so rebellious! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! On the other side of my rebellious mind, I am happy with my brother James for getting married already and I can see that their relationship is getting better and better. Hope they will continue that kind of relationship. Hope they will LOVE each other forever, not just because they have three kids but because they love each other.