Sep 11, 2009

Am I Being Selfish and Jealous?!?

"Am I being selfish and Jealous?" this is my question to my self every time hubby is going out with friends and my heart is telling me not to let him go unless I come with him. But of course I am not telling him that I don't want him to go instead I am asking him if I could come along. Sometimes he's okay with that but most often not, always depends on the occasion and with his companions. Last Thursday he asked me if he can play billiards with his friends, I said sure he can. I thought they were going out on Saturday but he texted me this afternoon that they will have it tonight after work. It's weird because I suddenly felt jealous. I did say yes but my heart is aching, is it because he didn't invite me?!?. I tried to ask him if I can come but he didn't answer me. I don't have plan actually to go coz I know it'll be awkward for me tagging along with his male friends. I just tried to ask him coz I wanna see his reaction and his reaction hurts me a bit. I don't know why I have to feel this way. Is there anything wrong with "going out with friends"? I don't know! I think I'm a bit jealous because I also missed going out! Hanging out with friends! How come I can't go out without him while he can? I prefer to go out with him than friends. I love being with him, I feel so guilty when I am doing things that I love but he's not with me. I don't wanna try new things without him trying it too. Like for example when my friends ask me to go to Wensha and experience their massage and SPA but I didn't go with them because I told them my hubby didn't experience it yet and I want to experience it with him first. When my body feels like having a massage, I didn't go because I wanted to have it with him. When my friends were asking me to watch a certain movie, I don't like to go because I want to watch that movie with him. And If I do one of those things without him, I feel like I betrayed him. I feel like I committed a sin. How come my life is revolving only around him? I love my husband and I know he loves me too. I think I am just being over reacting? selfish? Jealous? I don't know! I think the problem lies with me, why am I expecting too much in return? He didn't ask me not to do those things without him in the first place. Why am I expecting too much?! I don't have to do those right?
Hey Jes wake up! You can still have your own life! Sometimes your partner still needs privacy! And you need one too! Why don't you go out with your female friends and enjoy!

Yeah right! My life is actually stressful this past few months. I think I also need a break!
Yeah that's right! You've been working so hard! You have plenty of roles! You're a WIFE, a MOM, a BUSINESS WOMAN, a REALTOR, Franchise agent, a SISTER and a Daughter. Aren't you tired yet? You just came home from your business right? You're just stressed! That's why you feel like you're pathetic because your hubby is going out while you were at home shouting at your kids when they have done something wrong, ate dinner alone and then sit in front of the computer! Look at your tummy, it's getting bigger and bigger like you're carrying again a fetus in your womb! Is that want you want? To become a fat ass! Give yourself a LIFE, add some leisure.
Oh gosh Did I just talked to myself? But it's okay atleast I am feeling okay now. Just comforting myself. I want hubby to enjoy. I am sad when he's sad. I am happy when he's happy! I will just try not to worry too much. I can't sleep when he's not home yet, when he's not at my side yet. I am missing him so much and worrying too much. God Bless them and hope he comes home safe. =)

No comments:

My Birthday!

Our Wedding Anniversary